Wednesday, April 29, 2009

just a few thoughts i guess

i don't really have a lot to say...
i definitely don't feel like saying it creatively...
i just feel like i need to ramble...get some stuff out of my head so that i can find the peace of mind that Lauryn is singing about...
but what i cant figure out is what is keeping me from peace? I know that my walk is all jacked up right now...i have began to rectify that...but is it the recent goodbyes i have had to say, the relationships that have ended before they had the chance to begin...is my peace due to this infamous word stress that folks like to throw around like a please or a thank you? my life is my life...i love my life...it was created by choices that i made whether good or bad...it was the best choice at the time and it has made this plethora of events that i function and thrive in every day...is it easy? depends on your definition of easy...but its mine....
but there are days like today...i wake up tired, frazzled, nerves raw and patience thin...i think that i am going to break but I know that HE will never put more on you than you can bear...i don't doubt HIM...i just wish that maybe HE didn't have so much faith in me...LOL
but i know that in the big picture i am doing a good job, i am a good person, i am doing great things with my kids. The ones at home and the ones that I work with. Can i save them all? Of course not but some days i don't even want to try.
I am tired of bearing all the burdens alone...but i wonder if my expectation is too high for anyone to meet. I know that that is a possibility so i have prepared myself to be alone forever...but let's be honest. Who really wants to live this life alone...Love is what it is all about...love is what we fight for, work for, crave and desire. Love is the reason Jesus died for us on calvary...It is all about LOVE!!! So why is love not interested in finding me...hell maybe it is because i sometimes can't find myself...lol some days it is just enough for me to make it through the day...i don't know where i am...I know where 'mama' is...and i know where 'Ms. Herriford' but where is Danielle? No clue...not nare idea! LOL

Sigh...not sure what i was trying to say here...just wanted to say something...wanted to my few followers to know that i haven't abandoned you all...i still read your stuff and you inspire me, make me smile, laugh and think...wanted to make sure i am keeping up my end of the deal too...

maybe i will find some inspiration soon...hmmm...until next time!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

I AM THANKING YOU RIGHT NOW

DEAR GOD:
I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR WHAT YOU HAVE ALREADY DONE.
I AM NOT GOING TO WAIT UNTIL I SEE RESULTS OR RECEIVE REWARDS; I AM THANKING YOU RIGHT NOW.
I AM NOT GOING TO WAIT UNTIL I FEEL BETTER OR THINGS LOOK BETTER, I AM THANKING YOU RIGHT NOW.
I AM NOT GOING TO WAIT UNTIL PEOPLE SAY THEY ARE SORRY OR UNTIL THEY STOP TALKING ABOUT ME, I AM THANKING YOUR RIGHT NOW.
I AM NOT GOING TO WAIT UNTIL THE PAIN IN MY BODY DISAPPEARS; I AM THANKING YOU RIGHT NOW.
I AM NOT GOING TO WAIT UNTIL MY FINANCIAL SITUATION IMPROVES; I AM GOING TO THANK YOU RIGHT NOW.
I AM NOT GOING TO WAIT UNTIL THE CHILDREN ARE ASLEEP AND THE HOUSE IS QUIET, I AM GOING TO THANK YOU RIGHT NOW.
I AM NOT GOING TO WAIT UNTIL I GET PROMOTED AT WORK OR UNTIL I GET A NEW JOB, I AM GOING TO THANK YOU RIGHT NOW.
I AM NOT GOING TO WAIT TO UNDERSTAND EVERY EXPERIENCE IN MY LIFE THAT HAS CAUSED ME PAIN OR GRIEF; I AM GOING TO THANK YOU RIGHT NOW.
I AM NOT GOING TO WAIT UNTIL THE JOURNEY GETS EASIER OR THE CHALLENGES ARE REMOVED, I AM THANKING YOU RIGHT NOW.
I AM THANKING YOU BECAUSE I AM ALIVE.
I AM THANKING YOU BECAUSE I MADE IT THROUGH THE DAY’S DIFFICULTIES.
I AM THANKING YOU BECAUSE I HAVE WALKED AROUND THE OBSTACLES.
I AM THANKING YOU BECAUSE I HAVE THE ABILITY AND THE OPPORTUNITY TO DO MORE AND DO BETTER.
I AM THANKING YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE NOT GIVEN UP ON ME.
I AM THANKING YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE FORGIVEN ME.
I AM THANKING YOU BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME AND ACCEPT AND ACKNOWLEDGE ME WHEN I CANNOT DO IT FOR MYSELF.
I AM NOT GOING TO WAIT ANOTHER MOMENT OR HOUR OR DAY.
I AM THANKING YOU RIGHT NOW FOR EVERY LITTLE THING YOU HAVE ALREADY DONE.
THANK YOU GOD! FOR ALL I HAVE RECEIVED AND ALL THAT IS YET TO COME!!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

BLAH!

so i am just kinda in a blah mood today. I have been sick but in denial about it...i refuse to give in to it though...i am mentally stronger than some illness...maybe i am just delirious.

but what is really on my mind is this. is there something wrong with me? why is it hard for us to see ourselves as others do? i consider myself a very self aware person. i have spent most of my life studying people, solving their problems, encouraging and inspiring new and better behavior. but yet in my own life the people that are closest to me or that i want to be close to me...i cannot inspire such change. Why? How can so many see me as such a wonderful, beautiful, inspirational etc etc person when really deep down i don't feel that. I don't see that...i think i am a fraud at times. I don't care anymore...i have lost my heart some where and i don't know where...i am tired. i don't understand how someone claims to love you so much and want you so much but then won't do what is necessary in order to assist in making it happen. I am a problem solver a solution creater...but i have learned that i can't solve all problems...i can't create solutions all the time...sometimes the only solution is to leave, remove myself from insanity and dysfunction. but then...when i am out of the equation...why is it then that i am missed? why then is it possible for someone to understand my worth...
am i wrong because after i get burned i can't go back...i won't go back...am i wrong? i can forgive but where do you draw the line? when do you say i am being to mean or to unreasonable...am I the irrational one? I am numb...I have lost my heart...I don't think that i care...

Purging

Relentless whispering spirit blows strangely after me. Wandering like a plum moon--deep summer sky He comes as gold breath...shadowy storm...