the processing of brokenness

I am trying to do something that my heart, mind and soul has not allowed me to do for almost a year. and that is truly and completely say good bye to james. Maybe if i tell my story, in some kind of way, i can begin to let go. Maybe if i can find the words to say all that he made me feel and believe, the process of healing can finally be complete. Until today, i have been numb. i have pushed the pain to the depths of my core to ignore. i rarely speak of it...and when it has to be spoken about it is as if i was a part of a social experiment gone terribly wrong. Scientific, exact, and logical. As if a disclaimer could be used that states, "No hearts were broken in this process."

But there is not one statement that could be further from the truth. At the end of one of my posts, i stated that "he had broken my heart but he hadn't broken me." James...he broke me. Shattered me to the depths of my soul. I was literally a shell of myself for months. And as i sit here...after many days and tears later...i can say that the pieces are starting to fit back together. Not without damage, and i think i can say that there are still some pieces missing that he took with him...but i survived.

As i write, i notice that i still am not talking about him...i don't know that i can? What does that mean? That i can't talk about how foolishly silly he was or how safe he made me feel. That i am unable to verbalize or think about how he single-handedly made me believe that i WAS Wonder Woman, capable of any and everything and that no one around me deserved my level of awesomeness. He had me believing that my time and love and effort was the most prized thing that anyone in my life should not only appreciate but but completely honored that i shared with him...he made me feel irreplaceable.

Maybe i need to take a break, go to the grocery, pour a cocktail and come back to it...because the memories...as they start to flood my mind might just be a bit too much for me to day because when i tell this story...i will feel foolish. I will remind myself that i knew better. That i walked into a hopeless situation with eyes wide shut. But yet even though i know that i lied to myself countless times in our relationship to justify everything...i still want to defend him. i still want to give him the benefit of the doubt and i still hurt because i can't believe that my inner voice was right...and you know what? sometimes being right really sucks!!

inspiration

Finding my voice again. Sigh. Someone wants me to be inspiration to them. Are you kidding? I can barely inspire myself. I am in a stunted, drinking too much for my own good, trying to hide and just ugly state…How is that inspirational? I am trying to live my truth while everyone around me is trying to make you work so hard to be better, feel guilty cuz you aren’t better. But you know what??? I used to be the best…and now…I am just trying to figure it out. You know why? Sometimes you can’t always be the best. And when you are the best…folks try to align themselves with you and it just makes you doubt, and fail, and fall. So what am I inspiring? Being pitiful, apathetic and drunk? That isn’t what I want my legacy to be. I can’t inspire anyone…but he has a voice, something to say…important things to accomplish. He is amazing and has so much to contribute…while I am just trying not to drown in my own ugly. I am lost…remembered for past accomplishments that mean nothing now and its time to acknowledge that I am nothing now. I can’t inspire anything. And that hurts me and it makes me cry but it is the truth…and you have to live in the truth in order to make any changes. After years of being exceptional…I am average. I can’t inspire when I am not inspired. I survive everyday…in the midst of all I feel, know and believe. I am still here, I am still standing (even though its barely) So find your inspiration there.