BLAH!

so i am just kinda in a blah mood today. I have been sick but in denial about it...i refuse to give in to it though...i am mentally stronger than some illness...maybe i am just delirious.

but what is really on my mind is this. is there something wrong with me? why is it hard for us to see ourselves as others do? i consider myself a very self aware person. i have spent most of my life studying people, solving their problems, encouraging and inspiring new and better behavior. but yet in my own life the people that are closest to me or that i want to be close to me...i cannot inspire such change. Why? How can so many see me as such a wonderful, beautiful, inspirational etc etc person when really deep down i don't feel that. I don't see that...i think i am a fraud at times. I don't care anymore...i have lost my heart some where and i don't know where...i am tired. i don't understand how someone claims to love you so much and want you so much but then won't do what is necessary in order to assist in making it happen. I am a problem solver a solution creater...but i have learned that i can't solve all problems...i can't create solutions all the time...sometimes the only solution is to leave, remove myself from insanity and dysfunction. but then...when i am out of the equation...why is it then that i am missed? why then is it possible for someone to understand my worth...
am i wrong because after i get burned i can't go back...i won't go back...am i wrong? i can forgive but where do you draw the line? when do you say i am being to mean or to unreasonable...am I the irrational one? I am numb...I have lost my heart...I don't think that i care...