unsure of where i am going with this

Last September I wrote a post and just quit in the middle of it...I have been struggling for a few years now. Dealing with a shattered heart and life honestly. I feel like i am starting to find my way again. Am I still lost? Absolutely. Am i still misguided and searching for my path. Yup...but i am doing better and i am starting to feel a little bit again. My smile isn't as fake. My 'I'm peachy" isn't just a sarcastic comment anymore that no one gets...i mean it most days. So i am going to work on that post now and maybe share with you guys. I dunno...maybe when i finally write a book and i have all these fragments of ramblings, they will have played a part in some form of success for me. We will see. But for now...on this gloomy saturday morning...it is a place for healing and reflection for me. So...i guess just in that rite it is meaningful.

For quite a while i had encased myself so securely in this shell of numbness with mindless tv, alcohol and superficial answers and thoughts...i didn't recognize myself anymore. I thought it was time for therapy...(but that is another awful story for another time) i was constantly trying to figure out what i needed to do to be me again. Nothing was working and i felt like a failure because i couldn't shake the funk that had taken over me so solidly. It was so real and so deep, i didn't know what to do. So i sat in it. i dwelled in it and just let it have it's way with me. Was that the best decision? i don't know...but i still smiled every day. i still went to work and forced myself to do as much as my psyche could handle on any given day.

But now...i am comfortably lost. Still looking for the path, still stumbling around but i am more confident. i am more hopeful and i have something that i haven't had in a long time. PEACE. I am not quite the shell that i once was. i am finding fragments of myself again...the pieces are starting to fit back together. There are still quite a few missing...and i am sure there are some that i will never get back. But maybe that just gives me some blank spaces to fit in some new pieces...to create new love and endeavors.

i realized i needed to quit trying to make him the center of my narrative...the basis of my story. He isn't my story. He played a role in it and he did some damage when he left...but the story didn't end there. That chapter is over and has been for some time...but i kept re-reading it. i think i am ready to live it where it belongs...and that is behind me. He affected me in so many ways...mostly were phenomenal but then it went away...and it is hard to say good-bye to something if you weren't ready for it to end. You can hold on to water as tight as you think you can...but it will still slip through the cracks.

The moral of the story is I have been broken and knocked flat on my ass...and i sat there for a long time waiting for someone to help me up. But guess what, i had to be the one to decide it is time to get up. There will come a time that i will get knocked down again...and i will try to remember this post and remind myself how i am feeling as i am writing this. Hopeful, content, aspiring to greatness and comfortably lost.