Contemplative Mood

Sitting back observing and watching the crowd. I see so many of the women that have played such a crucial role in my upbringing...women that truly had a hand in making me the woman that i am...at least the good parts.
My (god-given)mother. The woman who stepped in at the age of 12 and decided that i needed more than what my family had to offer. She never asked questions. She never made judgements. She just taught so many lessons that no one else thought was important for me to learn. Some silly things like never sweep a person feet or when you hang the toilet paper and paper towels to hang it so that sheet falls in front of the roll...but she taught me and continues to teach me much more valuable things. How to be a strong woman. To forgive with grace whether you forget or not. She walks with her back straight and her head high. Whether she knows it or not she has shown me to be proud of who i am. I watched her walk down the aisle of our church. I saw the weight of what she was doing on her shoulders but she did not slouch. She did not cower from it as she read the acknowledgements at her lifelong friends funeral. She was a woman that helped raise her. A second mother of sorts i am sure. But she didn't waver. She is the epitome of all that i want to be. God-loving and God-fearing...agile in mind and body...she has a conviction of character that i feel that i will never have. How did she become the woman that she is? Why can't i have the conversation with her? How do i become the mother that she is and have always been? How do i learn to appreciate her more...to start and create the conversations that would make the harder life lessons easier to accomplish.
I am at such a pivotal point in my life right now. I have my beautiful children that need to be taught to live life for God and to be sweet, strong and responsible men. I have the love of a man that is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. I have to be able to grow with him and inspire him...stand by his side as we create a household that serves the Lord but isn't stuffy christians...that has fun and spends time together...that laughs often and isn't afraid to show affection in lots of different ways...

I am just really struggling with myself right now. I have so much growing to do and i am just ready for the next chapter of my life to begin. The chapter where i am a wonderful, beautiful woman and gets her happily ever after with her prince charming...