Purging

Relentless whispering spirit blows strangely after me.
Wandering like a plum moon--deep summer sky
He comes as gold breath...shadowy storm
Will time tell why dreams secrets celebrate
Soft evening. Perfect morning
Are you my spring? Universe? Sun?
Ever felt this sleepy song?

i wrote this a million years ago while hanging out with a bestie in her apt in Lexington (i think) she had those little magnetic words where you make nonsense out of it. we were in college, the world was at our feet and we were so completely clueless about the real world. Being naive is a fantastic thing! That poem was happy and wistful. Full of hope and dreams and romantic. All of the things i was all those many years ago.

Now, I have encased myself so securely in a shell of numbness. With mindless tv, alcohol, and superficial answers and thoughts--I don't really recognize myself some days. The girl who wrote that poem died a long time ago and I am still trying to resuscitate her. I find glimpses of her sometimes. Staring at me with disdain, shaking her head at me as i flail and drown in despair. She doesn't offer help. She just looks at me with eyes full of loathing disgust. That is about the only thing that cuts through the numbness and pierces to my very soul.

I went to St. Louis to visit my best friend and reconnected with a few other friends. Impromptu girls weekend. (when impromptu means a couple weeks of planning because we are all adults) Tons of fun was had. During the weekend, HE came up. Everyone has an opinion of the relationship, how it happened, how it ended and him as a person. But everyone has an asshole to so there you go. What they can't understand is i still hear his voice--I still know what his laugh sounds like. I remember his touch and how he smelled. It has been years. I haven't been able to move on. I haven't wanted a rebound or a boyfriend. I am not ready to let go of him. I don't know how to let go of him. It is becoming relevant because i am so stagnate right now.

i quit after him.

i quit living. i quit enjoying life. i let him break me. I let my life spiral out of control.

And its worse because there was no closure--without any answers

What i felt and what i know we had was real. Deep to the soul real. And then it wasn't. Therein where my brain cant reconcile with my heart. That is where the struggle is.

How do you love someone so hard, so long, convince them to stay countless times to only pull the rug out from under their feel and leave them on their ass to get up on their own. How does that work? I just have so many questions and my nature doesn't do well without answers.

But, being stagnate isn't fun...i miss fun. I miss laughing til my stomach hurts just because life isn't that serious. I am ready to get over the fact that I will never have answers. And maybe that just has to be ok. But then...she is looking at me...my inner self and she worries desperately that if I let go. Truly let go, find my closure within myself...i will run into him one day. And the mountain of unanswered questions and feelings will tumble like an avalanche down around me. So it begs the question...do i hold on just a little bit so when i eventually run into him (because i know it will happen--they ALL come back on some level--ALWAYS) that i don't fall completely apart or do i just let it all go. Live my best life while pushing him completely out of my mind and pray that when the gut punch comes...i can take it.

I have been punched before...I think I will take the risk. I am stronger now. I am tired of the case i am in. And i am damn sure tired of the feeling of abhorrent despair and pity when she looks at me.

unsure of where i am going with this

Last September I wrote a post and just quit in the middle of it...I have been struggling for a few years now. Dealing with a shattered heart and life honestly. I feel like i am starting to find my way again. Am I still lost? Absolutely. Am i still misguided and searching for my path. Yup...but i am doing better and i am starting to feel a little bit again. My smile isn't as fake. My 'I'm peachy" isn't just a sarcastic comment anymore that no one gets...i mean it most days. So i am going to work on that post now and maybe share with you guys. I dunno...maybe when i finally write a book and i have all these fragments of ramblings, they will have played a part in some form of success for me. We will see. But for now...on this gloomy saturday morning...it is a place for healing and reflection for me. So...i guess just in that rite it is meaningful.

For quite a while i had encased myself so securely in this shell of numbness with mindless tv, alcohol and superficial answers and thoughts...i didn't recognize myself anymore. I thought it was time for therapy...(but that is another awful story for another time) i was constantly trying to figure out what i needed to do to be me again. Nothing was working and i felt like a failure because i couldn't shake the funk that had taken over me so solidly. It was so real and so deep, i didn't know what to do. So i sat in it. i dwelled in it and just let it have it's way with me. Was that the best decision? i don't know...but i still smiled every day. i still went to work and forced myself to do as much as my psyche could handle on any given day.

But now...i am comfortably lost. Still looking for the path, still stumbling around but i am more confident. i am more hopeful and i have something that i haven't had in a long time. PEACE. I am not quite the shell that i once was. i am finding fragments of myself again...the pieces are starting to fit back together. There are still quite a few missing...and i am sure there are some that i will never get back. But maybe that just gives me some blank spaces to fit in some new pieces...to create new love and endeavors.

i realized i needed to quit trying to make him the center of my narrative...the basis of my story. He isn't my story. He played a role in it and he did some damage when he left...but the story didn't end there. That chapter is over and has been for some time...but i kept re-reading it. i think i am ready to live it where it belongs...and that is behind me. He affected me in so many ways...mostly were phenomenal but then it went away...and it is hard to say good-bye to something if you weren't ready for it to end. You can hold on to water as tight as you think you can...but it will still slip through the cracks.

The moral of the story is I have been broken and knocked flat on my ass...and i sat there for a long time waiting for someone to help me up. But guess what, i had to be the one to decide it is time to get up. There will come a time that i will get knocked down again...and i will try to remember this post and remind myself how i am feeling as i am writing this. Hopeful, content, aspiring to greatness and comfortably lost.

Taking a step back in order to move forward.

So i have been trying really hard to get back into writing again, making myself write something, ANYTHING...even if it is total crap. Because, hey, you gotta start somewhere right. Well, lately it seems like i am just putting words on pages. No real meaning, no real message, flat and almost boring. Maybe it is time to re-evaluate my topics. If i am writing about things that i am not passionate or into right now...how are my words going to create a picture worth viewing. I have tried to focus on love and healing. but maybe, i am still numb and a bit broken and far from healed...how in the hell am i supposed to write about those things.

Healing is a process, we all know that. Maybe i should read up on the "healing process" and maybe put myself through an impromptu counseling session. Take a step back and identify my behaviors and where they are stemming from and start writing about MY process. What i can remember of it? I am not sure if my journals reflect any of that. i don't think i let myself feel a lot of anything for a while.

I am stagnate and unsure where to go from here. i know that i want to "live my best life" and to some degree, i can picture it...but i don't know what steps to take to make it happen. I want to laugh more, drink socially (not to function) i want to be healthier and eat good food. i want to be a better friend and a more present mother. i want a beautiful home. Most importantly, i want to feel like the sun is shining even on the cloudiest days. i want to get out of this fog and out of the gloom that has engulfed me. My life has some really bright spots in it. Even though they feel very dim through my lenses right now. I need new lenses. I don't know where to start.