searching, struggling, grasping, flailing
i am no longer sure who i am
different hats that i wear but which one showcases what is truly there
counselor, mother, sister, friend
but where does the woman underneath find her voice
where do i begin to find the stride that was once mine
how do i find it, where did it go, who can give me directions so that i can shine once again
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Think about it
"plenty of people miss their share of happiness, not because they never found it, but because they didn't stop to enjoy it"
I think so many people set their ideal of happiness in a box...and if things come along that don't fit just quite right into the box they disregard it. I feel like we miss so many blessings because God presents them to us by sending them in packages that we aren't looking for.
Think about it...
I think so many people set their ideal of happiness in a box...and if things come along that don't fit just quite right into the box they disregard it. I feel like we miss so many blessings because God presents them to us by sending them in packages that we aren't looking for.
Think about it...
Action vs. Words
I am seriously baffled, dazed and confused.
I felt that things were progressing well with someone with a lot of potential...(i and everyone else is really confused by this interaction) and now it seems to be floundering...now those of you who know me can attest to the fact that i do not try to make circle pegs into square holes...it is retarded...so i have continually retreated...the response that i have received has been...i really want to be your friend and be a part of your life i just don't want a relationship...it was said that he cant see long term potential with me and he doesn't even like that he tried to think that far in advance....he doesn't like the idea of a pre-made family...ok...great...fine...i ain't tripping...BUT the day after this convo he is at my house on a Sunday morning (we NEVER see each other on sunday) especially during the day because he is not allowed around the boys) AND he came back Sunday night...he came over yesterday night...after 5 phone calls, 7 emails and 3 texts...i thought you just wanted to be my friend?
so the question of the day for you guys is this...which is more important to you? Actions or Words...and which do you give more weight when they don't match?
See i am a action person...my background of dysfunction has moded me to not believe anything anyone says...i want to see how you act...how you treat other people and myself...that is your testimony and character statement...but maybe i am the off one? LOL
What do you think?
I felt that things were progressing well with someone with a lot of potential...(i and everyone else is really confused by this interaction) and now it seems to be floundering...now those of you who know me can attest to the fact that i do not try to make circle pegs into square holes...it is retarded...so i have continually retreated...the response that i have received has been...i really want to be your friend and be a part of your life i just don't want a relationship...it was said that he cant see long term potential with me and he doesn't even like that he tried to think that far in advance....he doesn't like the idea of a pre-made family...ok...great...fine...i ain't tripping...BUT the day after this convo he is at my house on a Sunday morning (we NEVER see each other on sunday) especially during the day because he is not allowed around the boys) AND he came back Sunday night...he came over yesterday night...after 5 phone calls, 7 emails and 3 texts...i thought you just wanted to be my friend?
so the question of the day for you guys is this...which is more important to you? Actions or Words...and which do you give more weight when they don't match?
See i am a action person...my background of dysfunction has moded me to not believe anything anyone says...i want to see how you act...how you treat other people and myself...that is your testimony and character statement...but maybe i am the off one? LOL
What do you think?
Friday, June 19, 2009
confusion
oh the irony of life...
i post the blog regarding a smile on my face and the next day the cause of my smile begins to completely freak out...
now before i begin the good news is that the freak out is over and i think things are going to be fine...but i have fallen back into guarded mode. i am just really confused.
Why when things are going so well...no issues, no problems, no disagreements much people find something to be upset about? what is it in our nature that will not allow us to just be happy/content/satisifed etc...why must we always allow our overactive imaginations to see problems that aren't there?
So yesterday began with the customary 830 ish phone call that i get every morning. i did not answer because i was still in bed. i received the 915a 'you didn't answer the phone' phone call...
we talk and i am annoyed by some things that had/had not transpired from the night before. But i am not a high maintainece chick and i don't get upset easily so honestly i wasn't tripping.
the conversations spiral from that point on until well into the evening...ranging from 'i think i am ready for a relationship but am not comfortable' to 'i like you but don't want a relationship and feel smothered'...smothered? when i never call or ask to make plans but yet he does he best to monopolize any spare time that i have...when he calls me (no exaggeration--12 to 15 times a day) but ok whatever...i can't say i am not blindsided and hurt but then i put my counselor's hat on...and i evualuate and think about the prior two days...oh...i see the issue now...i have proven myself worthy and capable of being around long term...he even commented about what a wonderful wife i will make someone...so what we are seeing is retreat and wall up...
now at this point and time he is reflected and realizes that he was a "jerkface"...and we agreed that we would continue to take things slow (which is what we were doing to begin with) and he even stated that he thinks he can get used to the idea that i have children...(because this came up too and i told him that because of his views of it...he would never meet them and that i would never allow myself to look at him long term...because how could we ever get to a long term status if you can't accept my beautifully rotten blue eyed boys!?!?)
so the moral of my long winded story and so the question becomes and what i need help with is why do people sabatoge a good thing...why do we allow our fears to keep us from things that we see potential happiness in... why is it more appealling to people (primarily men but women do it to) to be alone and sometimes lonely than put in the effort that becomes a partnership--why is the word "relationship" such a bad word...lol
what are your thoughts? i would love to hear it...and for those of you all that continue to follow me...thanks for the encouragments and welcoming me back to blogging!!!
have a fantastic friday
i post the blog regarding a smile on my face and the next day the cause of my smile begins to completely freak out...
now before i begin the good news is that the freak out is over and i think things are going to be fine...but i have fallen back into guarded mode. i am just really confused.
Why when things are going so well...no issues, no problems, no disagreements much people find something to be upset about? what is it in our nature that will not allow us to just be happy/content/satisifed etc...why must we always allow our overactive imaginations to see problems that aren't there?
So yesterday began with the customary 830 ish phone call that i get every morning. i did not answer because i was still in bed. i received the 915a 'you didn't answer the phone' phone call...
we talk and i am annoyed by some things that had/had not transpired from the night before. But i am not a high maintainece chick and i don't get upset easily so honestly i wasn't tripping.
the conversations spiral from that point on until well into the evening...ranging from 'i think i am ready for a relationship but am not comfortable' to 'i like you but don't want a relationship and feel smothered'...smothered? when i never call or ask to make plans but yet he does he best to monopolize any spare time that i have...when he calls me (no exaggeration--12 to 15 times a day) but ok whatever...i can't say i am not blindsided and hurt but then i put my counselor's hat on...and i evualuate and think about the prior two days...oh...i see the issue now...i have proven myself worthy and capable of being around long term...he even commented about what a wonderful wife i will make someone...so what we are seeing is retreat and wall up...
now at this point and time he is reflected and realizes that he was a "jerkface"...and we agreed that we would continue to take things slow (which is what we were doing to begin with) and he even stated that he thinks he can get used to the idea that i have children...(because this came up too and i told him that because of his views of it...he would never meet them and that i would never allow myself to look at him long term...because how could we ever get to a long term status if you can't accept my beautifully rotten blue eyed boys!?!?)
so the moral of my long winded story and so the question becomes and what i need help with is why do people sabatoge a good thing...why do we allow our fears to keep us from things that we see potential happiness in... why is it more appealling to people (primarily men but women do it to) to be alone and sometimes lonely than put in the effort that becomes a partnership--why is the word "relationship" such a bad word...lol
what are your thoughts? i would love to hear it...and for those of you all that continue to follow me...thanks for the encouragments and welcoming me back to blogging!!!
have a fantastic friday
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Smile on my Face
so it is amazing how life throws so many twists and turns at you.
i wish i was better at blogging...but i am working on it. i have discovered a new sense of discipline and anyone who knows me is probably saying, "its about time" :-)
But this discipline is the result of meeting someone new...i try whenever i meet someone to learn from them and to find something about them that i admire and need to apply to my life to become a better person. Well this story begins 2 months ago tomorrow. i was a bridesmaid in my little sister's wedding. i was heading to the rehearsal dinner dreading it because as beautiful as weddings are i hate the pomp and circumstance of it all...plus i had plans that evening that i was really excited for. so i get to the church...the only one of the bridal party there (the bride and groom wasn't even there) so i play on my phone for a while...fast forward...others arrive including all of the groomsmen...so i am introduced to the guy that i am to walk with...of course i already spotted him...he was a cute guy with nice swag but he was the shortest and i KNEW i was going to be the shortest bridesmaid...we chat and laugh and joke and the ease of which it all is happening kinda takes me back...fast forward...our interactions continue through to the next day and after a very enlightening conversation of which i am sure that he isn't interested and he in the next breath surprises me by asking for my number...
well fast forward 2 months and things are progressing surprisingly well...i learned from the past to slow way down so i am holding on to my emotions and allowing things to develop slowly and he has taught me so much and has inspired me on so many different levels. This discipline that he exudes has rubbed off on my and i have become such a more productive person...i am more disciplined at work, at home, i exercise a very intense P90X workout EVERY night...haven't skipped yet and i am just so proud of myself.
Now am i not saying that this is my soulmate and my future husband...no...there is a lot of potential but i won't allow myself to get caught up like that yet...but i am so grateful that i have met him and have grown so much from knowing him...
this is not the direction that i wanted to go with this blog but i want to get back into the habit of blogging and the only way to do it is to start...so this is the way it happened today and i will blog again soon!
Thanks for listening to my rambles.
i wish i was better at blogging...but i am working on it. i have discovered a new sense of discipline and anyone who knows me is probably saying, "its about time" :-)
But this discipline is the result of meeting someone new...i try whenever i meet someone to learn from them and to find something about them that i admire and need to apply to my life to become a better person. Well this story begins 2 months ago tomorrow. i was a bridesmaid in my little sister's wedding. i was heading to the rehearsal dinner dreading it because as beautiful as weddings are i hate the pomp and circumstance of it all...plus i had plans that evening that i was really excited for. so i get to the church...the only one of the bridal party there (the bride and groom wasn't even there) so i play on my phone for a while...fast forward...others arrive including all of the groomsmen...so i am introduced to the guy that i am to walk with...of course i already spotted him...he was a cute guy with nice swag but he was the shortest and i KNEW i was going to be the shortest bridesmaid...we chat and laugh and joke and the ease of which it all is happening kinda takes me back...fast forward...our interactions continue through to the next day and after a very enlightening conversation of which i am sure that he isn't interested and he in the next breath surprises me by asking for my number...
well fast forward 2 months and things are progressing surprisingly well...i learned from the past to slow way down so i am holding on to my emotions and allowing things to develop slowly and he has taught me so much and has inspired me on so many different levels. This discipline that he exudes has rubbed off on my and i have become such a more productive person...i am more disciplined at work, at home, i exercise a very intense P90X workout EVERY night...haven't skipped yet and i am just so proud of myself.
Now am i not saying that this is my soulmate and my future husband...no...there is a lot of potential but i won't allow myself to get caught up like that yet...but i am so grateful that i have met him and have grown so much from knowing him...
this is not the direction that i wanted to go with this blog but i want to get back into the habit of blogging and the only way to do it is to start...so this is the way it happened today and i will blog again soon!
Thanks for listening to my rambles.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
just a few thoughts i guess
i don't really have a lot to say...
i definitely don't feel like saying it creatively...
i just feel like i need to ramble...get some stuff out of my head so that i can find the peace of mind that Lauryn is singing about...
but what i cant figure out is what is keeping me from peace? I know that my walk is all jacked up right now...i have began to rectify that...but is it the recent goodbyes i have had to say, the relationships that have ended before they had the chance to begin...is my peace due to this infamous word stress that folks like to throw around like a please or a thank you? my life is my life...i love my life...it was created by choices that i made whether good or bad...it was the best choice at the time and it has made this plethora of events that i function and thrive in every day...is it easy? depends on your definition of easy...but its mine....
but there are days like today...i wake up tired, frazzled, nerves raw and patience thin...i think that i am going to break but I know that HE will never put more on you than you can bear...i don't doubt HIM...i just wish that maybe HE didn't have so much faith in me...LOL
but i know that in the big picture i am doing a good job, i am a good person, i am doing great things with my kids. The ones at home and the ones that I work with. Can i save them all? Of course not but some days i don't even want to try.
I am tired of bearing all the burdens alone...but i wonder if my expectation is too high for anyone to meet. I know that that is a possibility so i have prepared myself to be alone forever...but let's be honest. Who really wants to live this life alone...Love is what it is all about...love is what we fight for, work for, crave and desire. Love is the reason Jesus died for us on calvary...It is all about LOVE!!! So why is love not interested in finding me...hell maybe it is because i sometimes can't find myself...lol some days it is just enough for me to make it through the day...i don't know where i am...I know where 'mama' is...and i know where 'Ms. Herriford' but where is Danielle? No clue...not nare idea! LOL
Sigh...not sure what i was trying to say here...just wanted to say something...wanted to my few followers to know that i haven't abandoned you all...i still read your stuff and you inspire me, make me smile, laugh and think...wanted to make sure i am keeping up my end of the deal too...
maybe i will find some inspiration soon...hmmm...until next time!
i definitely don't feel like saying it creatively...
i just feel like i need to ramble...get some stuff out of my head so that i can find the peace of mind that Lauryn is singing about...
but what i cant figure out is what is keeping me from peace? I know that my walk is all jacked up right now...i have began to rectify that...but is it the recent goodbyes i have had to say, the relationships that have ended before they had the chance to begin...is my peace due to this infamous word stress that folks like to throw around like a please or a thank you? my life is my life...i love my life...it was created by choices that i made whether good or bad...it was the best choice at the time and it has made this plethora of events that i function and thrive in every day...is it easy? depends on your definition of easy...but its mine....
but there are days like today...i wake up tired, frazzled, nerves raw and patience thin...i think that i am going to break but I know that HE will never put more on you than you can bear...i don't doubt HIM...i just wish that maybe HE didn't have so much faith in me...LOL
but i know that in the big picture i am doing a good job, i am a good person, i am doing great things with my kids. The ones at home and the ones that I work with. Can i save them all? Of course not but some days i don't even want to try.
I am tired of bearing all the burdens alone...but i wonder if my expectation is too high for anyone to meet. I know that that is a possibility so i have prepared myself to be alone forever...but let's be honest. Who really wants to live this life alone...Love is what it is all about...love is what we fight for, work for, crave and desire. Love is the reason Jesus died for us on calvary...It is all about LOVE!!! So why is love not interested in finding me...hell maybe it is because i sometimes can't find myself...lol some days it is just enough for me to make it through the day...i don't know where i am...I know where 'mama' is...and i know where 'Ms. Herriford' but where is Danielle? No clue...not nare idea! LOL
Sigh...not sure what i was trying to say here...just wanted to say something...wanted to my few followers to know that i haven't abandoned you all...i still read your stuff and you inspire me, make me smile, laugh and think...wanted to make sure i am keeping up my end of the deal too...
maybe i will find some inspiration soon...hmmm...until next time!
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
I AM THANKING YOU RIGHT NOW
DEAR GOD:
I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR WHAT YOU HAVE ALREADY DONE.
I AM NOT GOING TO WAIT UNTIL I SEE RESULTS OR RECEIVE REWARDS; I AM THANKING YOU RIGHT NOW.
I AM NOT GOING TO WAIT UNTIL I FEEL BETTER OR THINGS LOOK BETTER, I AM THANKING YOU RIGHT NOW.
I AM NOT GOING TO WAIT UNTIL PEOPLE SAY THEY ARE SORRY OR UNTIL THEY STOP TALKING ABOUT ME, I AM THANKING YOUR RIGHT NOW.
I AM NOT GOING TO WAIT UNTIL THE PAIN IN MY BODY DISAPPEARS; I AM THANKING YOU RIGHT NOW.
I AM NOT GOING TO WAIT UNTIL MY FINANCIAL SITUATION IMPROVES; I AM GOING TO THANK YOU RIGHT NOW.
I AM NOT GOING TO WAIT UNTIL THE CHILDREN ARE ASLEEP AND THE HOUSE IS QUIET, I AM GOING TO THANK YOU RIGHT NOW.
I AM NOT GOING TO WAIT UNTIL I GET PROMOTED AT WORK OR UNTIL I GET A NEW JOB, I AM GOING TO THANK YOU RIGHT NOW.
I AM NOT GOING TO WAIT TO UNDERSTAND EVERY EXPERIENCE IN MY LIFE THAT HAS CAUSED ME PAIN OR GRIEF; I AM GOING TO THANK YOU RIGHT NOW.
I AM NOT GOING TO WAIT UNTIL THE JOURNEY GETS EASIER OR THE CHALLENGES ARE REMOVED, I AM THANKING YOU RIGHT NOW.
I AM THANKING YOU BECAUSE I AM ALIVE.
I AM THANKING YOU BECAUSE I MADE IT THROUGH THE DAY’S DIFFICULTIES.
I AM THANKING YOU BECAUSE I HAVE WALKED AROUND THE OBSTACLES.
I AM THANKING YOU BECAUSE I HAVE THE ABILITY AND THE OPPORTUNITY TO DO MORE AND DO BETTER.
I AM THANKING YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE NOT GIVEN UP ON ME.
I AM THANKING YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE FORGIVEN ME.
I AM THANKING YOU BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME AND ACCEPT AND ACKNOWLEDGE ME WHEN I CANNOT DO IT FOR MYSELF.
I AM NOT GOING TO WAIT ANOTHER MOMENT OR HOUR OR DAY.
I AM THANKING YOU RIGHT NOW FOR EVERY LITTLE THING YOU HAVE ALREADY DONE.
THANK YOU GOD! FOR ALL I HAVE RECEIVED AND ALL THAT IS YET TO COME!!
DEAR GOD:
I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR WHAT YOU HAVE ALREADY DONE.
I AM NOT GOING TO WAIT UNTIL I SEE RESULTS OR RECEIVE REWARDS; I AM THANKING YOU RIGHT NOW.
I AM NOT GOING TO WAIT UNTIL I FEEL BETTER OR THINGS LOOK BETTER, I AM THANKING YOU RIGHT NOW.
I AM NOT GOING TO WAIT UNTIL PEOPLE SAY THEY ARE SORRY OR UNTIL THEY STOP TALKING ABOUT ME, I AM THANKING YOUR RIGHT NOW.
I AM NOT GOING TO WAIT UNTIL THE PAIN IN MY BODY DISAPPEARS; I AM THANKING YOU RIGHT NOW.
I AM NOT GOING TO WAIT UNTIL MY FINANCIAL SITUATION IMPROVES; I AM GOING TO THANK YOU RIGHT NOW.
I AM NOT GOING TO WAIT UNTIL THE CHILDREN ARE ASLEEP AND THE HOUSE IS QUIET, I AM GOING TO THANK YOU RIGHT NOW.
I AM NOT GOING TO WAIT UNTIL I GET PROMOTED AT WORK OR UNTIL I GET A NEW JOB, I AM GOING TO THANK YOU RIGHT NOW.
I AM NOT GOING TO WAIT TO UNDERSTAND EVERY EXPERIENCE IN MY LIFE THAT HAS CAUSED ME PAIN OR GRIEF; I AM GOING TO THANK YOU RIGHT NOW.
I AM NOT GOING TO WAIT UNTIL THE JOURNEY GETS EASIER OR THE CHALLENGES ARE REMOVED, I AM THANKING YOU RIGHT NOW.
I AM THANKING YOU BECAUSE I AM ALIVE.
I AM THANKING YOU BECAUSE I MADE IT THROUGH THE DAY’S DIFFICULTIES.
I AM THANKING YOU BECAUSE I HAVE WALKED AROUND THE OBSTACLES.
I AM THANKING YOU BECAUSE I HAVE THE ABILITY AND THE OPPORTUNITY TO DO MORE AND DO BETTER.
I AM THANKING YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE NOT GIVEN UP ON ME.
I AM THANKING YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE FORGIVEN ME.
I AM THANKING YOU BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME AND ACCEPT AND ACKNOWLEDGE ME WHEN I CANNOT DO IT FOR MYSELF.
I AM NOT GOING TO WAIT ANOTHER MOMENT OR HOUR OR DAY.
I AM THANKING YOU RIGHT NOW FOR EVERY LITTLE THING YOU HAVE ALREADY DONE.
THANK YOU GOD! FOR ALL I HAVE RECEIVED AND ALL THAT IS YET TO COME!!
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
BLAH!
so i am just kinda in a blah mood today. I have been sick but in denial about it...i refuse to give in to it though...i am mentally stronger than some illness...maybe i am just delirious.
but what is really on my mind is this. is there something wrong with me? why is it hard for us to see ourselves as others do? i consider myself a very self aware person. i have spent most of my life studying people, solving their problems, encouraging and inspiring new and better behavior. but yet in my own life the people that are closest to me or that i want to be close to me...i cannot inspire such change. Why? How can so many see me as such a wonderful, beautiful, inspirational etc etc person when really deep down i don't feel that. I don't see that...i think i am a fraud at times. I don't care anymore...i have lost my heart some where and i don't know where...i am tired. i don't understand how someone claims to love you so much and want you so much but then won't do what is necessary in order to assist in making it happen. I am a problem solver a solution creater...but i have learned that i can't solve all problems...i can't create solutions all the time...sometimes the only solution is to leave, remove myself from insanity and dysfunction. but then...when i am out of the equation...why is it then that i am missed? why then is it possible for someone to understand my worth...
am i wrong because after i get burned i can't go back...i won't go back...am i wrong? i can forgive but where do you draw the line? when do you say i am being to mean or to unreasonable...am I the irrational one? I am numb...I have lost my heart...I don't think that i care...
but what is really on my mind is this. is there something wrong with me? why is it hard for us to see ourselves as others do? i consider myself a very self aware person. i have spent most of my life studying people, solving their problems, encouraging and inspiring new and better behavior. but yet in my own life the people that are closest to me or that i want to be close to me...i cannot inspire such change. Why? How can so many see me as such a wonderful, beautiful, inspirational etc etc person when really deep down i don't feel that. I don't see that...i think i am a fraud at times. I don't care anymore...i have lost my heart some where and i don't know where...i am tired. i don't understand how someone claims to love you so much and want you so much but then won't do what is necessary in order to assist in making it happen. I am a problem solver a solution creater...but i have learned that i can't solve all problems...i can't create solutions all the time...sometimes the only solution is to leave, remove myself from insanity and dysfunction. but then...when i am out of the equation...why is it then that i am missed? why then is it possible for someone to understand my worth...
am i wrong because after i get burned i can't go back...i won't go back...am i wrong? i can forgive but where do you draw the line? when do you say i am being to mean or to unreasonable...am I the irrational one? I am numb...I have lost my heart...I don't think that i care...
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Unexpected Journey (her side)
i am laying on the couch texting him...oh wow...i haven't talked to him in years...God it is so good to hear from him. He was the coolest guy ever. He was so sweet and genuine...oh crap...he said he is coming now...shit...look at my apartment. I jump up and start throwing clothes in the closet, stacking books on the book case, running dishwater...phone rings..."i am at the gene synder" oh wow i have 13 minutes according to him...gotta get the trash out, where is my gum, let me vacuum real quick, check my makeup, put on perfume...phone rings again...getting directions for the last stretch...is pulling into the parking lot...why won't my heart be still...it's just him. we were cool back in the day. no biggie. he pulls up...what do i do with my hands. he is out of the car...deep breath girl...damn...he is bald now...oh girl you like a bald man...now that is not what you are supposed to be thinking...he is a friend. chile look at his shoulders...whew he has filled out...stop! he does not want you...you got two kids and long past...he is not studdin you...you are a friend...but his smile is so pretty...give him a hug and say hi goofy...I give him a hug in the parking lot...he wraps his arms around me and i feel like i am home...oh this isn't a good sign...invite him in the house...we get up the steps and talk and talk...everything he is saying is so right...is he reading from my script...does he really know me this well after all these years. and damn he is funny...another low blow...bald, smells good, nice smell...what is going on here...well, gotta get the kids...without any hesitation i invite him along. I don't let me kids around anyone...but he is a good guy...the need good role models...its all good...we are back home...he is playing with the boys. oh wow he is good with them. the boys like him...they don't warm up to strangers this easy. he is at ease with them...it isn't a front...to calm my heart i ask "are you trying to be good with my kids to get at me" he looked at me straight crazy..."i love kids" i am melting even more...we talk and talk and talk everything fits...my two biggest insecurities and he isn't fazed...he is feeling everything i am saying...i can see it in his eyes...i am feeling him...too much...let's not get ahead of yourself...he is beautiful...he has filled out since college. he has grown up alot...he is so smart and funny and he is deep but on the same level as me deep. i get him...he gets me...but can he kiss? lord knows i can't fool with a man that can't kiss...where is my phone? i send him a text...his smiles and texts back...i am being so shy! why am i shy? i am not a shy girl...we flirt...he gets up...i get up...he is running from me...we are giggling...let's just do it...i kiss him...oh wow...oh wow..i can't stop...but i gotta stop...the blood is draining from my head...i am lightheaded...i hold on for a few seconds longer...we sit down and we talk and talk and talk... i haven't gotten this good of conversation in so long...this is stupid...i can't be falling for him this quick...i mean whoa...he is leaving...but i don't want him to leave...but he has to leave...can't stay...i won't behave...he kisses me again...i hold on tight...i wonder if he notices how much i am enjoying this...oh wow...what have i started?
Contemplative Mood
Sitting back observing and watching the crowd. I see so many of the women that have played such a crucial role in my upbringing...women that truly had a hand in making me the woman that i am...at least the good parts.
My (god-given)mother. The woman who stepped in at the age of 12 and decided that i needed more than what my family had to offer. She never asked questions. She never made judgements. She just taught so many lessons that no one else thought was important for me to learn. Some silly things like never sweep a person feet or when you hang the toilet paper and paper towels to hang it so that sheet falls in front of the roll...but she taught me and continues to teach me much more valuable things. How to be a strong woman. To forgive with grace whether you forget or not. She walks with her back straight and her head high. Whether she knows it or not she has shown me to be proud of who i am. I watched her walk down the aisle of our church. I saw the weight of what she was doing on her shoulders but she did not slouch. She did not cower from it as she read the acknowledgements at her lifelong friends funeral. She was a woman that helped raise her. A second mother of sorts i am sure. But she didn't waver. She is the epitome of all that i want to be. God-loving and God-fearing...agile in mind and body...she has a conviction of character that i feel that i will never have. How did she become the woman that she is? Why can't i have the conversation with her? How do i become the mother that she is and have always been? How do i learn to appreciate her more...to start and create the conversations that would make the harder life lessons easier to accomplish.
I am at such a pivotal point in my life right now. I have my beautiful children that need to be taught to live life for God and to be sweet, strong and responsible men. I have the love of a man that is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. I have to be able to grow with him and inspire him...stand by his side as we create a household that serves the Lord but isn't stuffy christians...that has fun and spends time together...that laughs often and isn't afraid to show affection in lots of different ways...
I am just really struggling with myself right now. I have so much growing to do and i am just ready for the next chapter of my life to begin. The chapter where i am a wonderful, beautiful woman and gets her happily ever after with her prince charming...
My (god-given)mother. The woman who stepped in at the age of 12 and decided that i needed more than what my family had to offer. She never asked questions. She never made judgements. She just taught so many lessons that no one else thought was important for me to learn. Some silly things like never sweep a person feet or when you hang the toilet paper and paper towels to hang it so that sheet falls in front of the roll...but she taught me and continues to teach me much more valuable things. How to be a strong woman. To forgive with grace whether you forget or not. She walks with her back straight and her head high. Whether she knows it or not she has shown me to be proud of who i am. I watched her walk down the aisle of our church. I saw the weight of what she was doing on her shoulders but she did not slouch. She did not cower from it as she read the acknowledgements at her lifelong friends funeral. She was a woman that helped raise her. A second mother of sorts i am sure. But she didn't waver. She is the epitome of all that i want to be. God-loving and God-fearing...agile in mind and body...she has a conviction of character that i feel that i will never have. How did she become the woman that she is? Why can't i have the conversation with her? How do i become the mother that she is and have always been? How do i learn to appreciate her more...to start and create the conversations that would make the harder life lessons easier to accomplish.
I am at such a pivotal point in my life right now. I have my beautiful children that need to be taught to live life for God and to be sweet, strong and responsible men. I have the love of a man that is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. I have to be able to grow with him and inspire him...stand by his side as we create a household that serves the Lord but isn't stuffy christians...that has fun and spends time together...that laughs often and isn't afraid to show affection in lots of different ways...
I am just really struggling with myself right now. I have so much growing to do and i am just ready for the next chapter of my life to begin. The chapter where i am a wonderful, beautiful woman and gets her happily ever after with her prince charming...
Regrets
Full of regrets cause i didn't show my love
How many will i have to lose before i learn my lesson--
That they tears that fall at the sunset are to late to be seen
when the whole day was given to me.
Underappreciated... the ones i have lost--taken away another one I just couldn't show
How much i loved them, needed them and had so much to learn...the wisdom and knowledge i let go to waste...what is the issue that keeps me hiding from their face.
Why is it so hard to show what without a doubt i know
I stay in my bubble and my own little world---allowing folks on the peripheral but not inside to close
Things of the past haunt through the night--i guess i am scared for people to see the truth that is really me.
Beauty on the outside but must be so ugly within--how else can you explain how family treated so indifferently.
A mother's love never given
A father who showed he didn't care
Uncles who took the wrong kind of interest
Aunts who were so consumed that their tormenting was the worst to endure
Now God has given me a new family a better family one that appears to want to be there...
but the damage is so great that it is easier to deal alone than the burdens to share.
Little boys looking at me to learn love-center of my world but don't they need more
How do i open and let go of the past to be the mother, daugther, lover, sister and friend?
I am welcoming love on some many levels...this change has to be made so that when the next sunset comes if its closer to home...i won't have the regret that they doubted my love.
How many will i have to lose before i learn my lesson--
That they tears that fall at the sunset are to late to be seen
when the whole day was given to me.
Underappreciated... the ones i have lost--taken away another one I just couldn't show
How much i loved them, needed them and had so much to learn...the wisdom and knowledge i let go to waste...what is the issue that keeps me hiding from their face.
Why is it so hard to show what without a doubt i know
I stay in my bubble and my own little world---allowing folks on the peripheral but not inside to close
Things of the past haunt through the night--i guess i am scared for people to see the truth that is really me.
Beauty on the outside but must be so ugly within--how else can you explain how family treated so indifferently.
A mother's love never given
A father who showed he didn't care
Uncles who took the wrong kind of interest
Aunts who were so consumed that their tormenting was the worst to endure
Now God has given me a new family a better family one that appears to want to be there...
but the damage is so great that it is easier to deal alone than the burdens to share.
Little boys looking at me to learn love-center of my world but don't they need more
How do i open and let go of the past to be the mother, daugther, lover, sister and friend?
I am welcoming love on some many levels...this change has to be made so that when the next sunset comes if its closer to home...i won't have the regret that they doubted my love.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
confusion
So i thought that everything was going well...actually i thought everything was going perfect. he was really worried that the distance would be hard for me to handle. i mean don't get me wrong...it isn't easy...but it isn't like we are super far away from one another...
but today...today he goes from loving me to hating me...from believing in me to doubting me...
i feel i can't be right...i am spilling my heart to him and he is looking at it and shuddering...
i am going to be patient. we are so alike that it isn't funny...i have played this game before...push someone away and see if they will stay...
well you know what...I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE!!! I told him i was all in...and damn it that is what i meant...he can doubt and he can question but i refuse to go anywhere...i won't let him find excuses to run from something real. he thinks he knows the extent of my stubborness...but he hasnt seen anything yet...i know my heart and i know what is true...and when i look in his eyes i see forever...
That isnt meaning to sound psycho because i am not in the habit of keeping anyone that doesn't want to be kept...but that doesn't apply to him. he wants me...he wants what i am offering and who and what i represent. but he is afraid. hell i am afraid too
vulnerable isn't comfortable for anyone...but it is necessary for the relationship to grow...
sigh...i am tired...it's been a long day and i just want the reassurance that he can be ok with my past...hell it's not like i was a stripper or a prostitute...i have never killed anyone..i am a simple girl with pretty exceptional views on love and relationships...i want to be his everything and i know he can be the same to me...
sigh...i guess we will see.
but today...today he goes from loving me to hating me...from believing in me to doubting me...
i feel i can't be right...i am spilling my heart to him and he is looking at it and shuddering...
i am going to be patient. we are so alike that it isn't funny...i have played this game before...push someone away and see if they will stay...
well you know what...I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE!!! I told him i was all in...and damn it that is what i meant...he can doubt and he can question but i refuse to go anywhere...i won't let him find excuses to run from something real. he thinks he knows the extent of my stubborness...but he hasnt seen anything yet...i know my heart and i know what is true...and when i look in his eyes i see forever...
That isnt meaning to sound psycho because i am not in the habit of keeping anyone that doesn't want to be kept...but that doesn't apply to him. he wants me...he wants what i am offering and who and what i represent. but he is afraid. hell i am afraid too
vulnerable isn't comfortable for anyone...but it is necessary for the relationship to grow...
sigh...i am tired...it's been a long day and i just want the reassurance that he can be ok with my past...hell it's not like i was a stripper or a prostitute...i have never killed anyone..i am a simple girl with pretty exceptional views on love and relationships...i want to be his everything and i know he can be the same to me...
sigh...i guess we will see.
thinking
too much time on your hands...
too many thoughts in your head...
you are worrying about things that have no concern
no relevance to what is here and now you must discern...
i have decided to make you my love and my life...
chosen to make you a role model for my self
Invited you into my house and my home and even more than that the hearts of my boys
you are getting caught up on what has long past
6 months or 2 weeks if it wasn't right then it wasn't mean to last
i am being as upfront as you would like but than you grow silent and act like i lied...
look at yourself and think of your past...the things that were and things that you ask...on your fridge her face still smiles...yet you get offended that i have old flames...
if you have your doubts than i can respect that...but be true to yourself and be honest with me...don't look for things or faults because you will surely find them.
If you don't want me than just be man enough to say it...don't find excuses and flaws when i am offering all that i can.
too many thoughts in your head...
you are worrying about things that have no concern
no relevance to what is here and now you must discern...
i have decided to make you my love and my life...
chosen to make you a role model for my self
Invited you into my house and my home and even more than that the hearts of my boys
you are getting caught up on what has long past
6 months or 2 weeks if it wasn't right then it wasn't mean to last
i am being as upfront as you would like but than you grow silent and act like i lied...
look at yourself and think of your past...the things that were and things that you ask...on your fridge her face still smiles...yet you get offended that i have old flames...
if you have your doubts than i can respect that...but be true to yourself and be honest with me...don't look for things or faults because you will surely find them.
If you don't want me than just be man enough to say it...don't find excuses and flaws when i am offering all that i can.
In Response
To whom it may concern:
So your last letter has me confused. You seem so angry...so hard on yourself. I took things to heart but like the song says..."i'm so vain"...that i really think that blog is about me. In case that it is i want to address a few things... I am not tired of a thing. The bullshit you refer to is something i think is sweet. your stupid ass codes don't make my head hurt...they make me smile that someone would take that much time to creatively say that i am the one that he chooses to love. I feel that this isn't my most innovative endeavor but the most important thing is to make sure you see that i love you and pray that and want nothing more than for you to choose me and love me and tell the world that i am who you will spend eternity. i love all that you are, have been and desire to be. I have accepted this role you are destined to play and felt that i have shown that i want you to stay.
And you talking of sex...well baby listen close...that makes me excited not disgusted in any way. I won't comment on any of the rest at this moment in time...because the ol folks say don't put your business in the streets...cuz if you brag on it too much...others will be dying to taste your treats. I am selfish and with you that goes double...from this day on i am the only one who should know how you play the "fiddle" but i will say this before i let it go...this fiddle hasn't ever been played like that before.
i can't say i will never try and make you mad...but there will never be any confusion on the feelings i have...i see the good guy...and this real good dude...you know what jag...i love you
So your last letter has me confused. You seem so angry...so hard on yourself. I took things to heart but like the song says..."i'm so vain"...that i really think that blog is about me. In case that it is i want to address a few things... I am not tired of a thing. The bullshit you refer to is something i think is sweet. your stupid ass codes don't make my head hurt...they make me smile that someone would take that much time to creatively say that i am the one that he chooses to love. I feel that this isn't my most innovative endeavor but the most important thing is to make sure you see that i love you and pray that and want nothing more than for you to choose me and love me and tell the world that i am who you will spend eternity. i love all that you are, have been and desire to be. I have accepted this role you are destined to play and felt that i have shown that i want you to stay.
And you talking of sex...well baby listen close...that makes me excited not disgusted in any way. I won't comment on any of the rest at this moment in time...because the ol folks say don't put your business in the streets...cuz if you brag on it too much...others will be dying to taste your treats. I am selfish and with you that goes double...from this day on i am the only one who should know how you play the "fiddle" but i will say this before i let it go...this fiddle hasn't ever been played like that before.
i can't say i will never try and make you mad...but there will never be any confusion on the feelings i have...i see the good guy...and this real good dude...you know what jag...i love you
Monday, March 2, 2009
borrowed for him
Ok...so for the few of you poor people that are falling my blog I promise
I won't stay on the love kick...I have a few ideas for some other entires...BUT
today love is what is inspiring me so here ya go...its nto mine...I can't take the credit
but for you who it applies to I may sing it to you when I get a chance...
Darling I want you to listen
I stayed up all night just to get this thing right
And I don't think that anything's missing
Cuz a person like you makes it easy to do
I've waited for so long
To sing to you this song
Cause your eyes are the window to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole
I think the angels are your brothers
They told you about me said you're just what she needs
And I find myself thanking your mother
For giving birth to a saint
My spirit flies when I say your name
If there's one thing that's true
Its that I was born to love you
You make my dreams
Come true over and over again
And I honestly truly believe
You and me are written in the stars
I'll live my whole life through just giving thanks to you.
Chorus...
I won't stay on the love kick...I have a few ideas for some other entires...BUT
today love is what is inspiring me so here ya go...its nto mine...I can't take the credit
but for you who it applies to I may sing it to you when I get a chance...
Darling I want you to listen
I stayed up all night just to get this thing right
And I don't think that anything's missing
Cuz a person like you makes it easy to do
I've waited for so long
To sing to you this song
Cause your eyes are the window to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole
I think the angels are your brothers
They told you about me said you're just what she needs
And I find myself thanking your mother
For giving birth to a saint
My spirit flies when I say your name
If there's one thing that's true
Its that I was born to love you
You make my dreams
Come true over and over again
And I honestly truly believe
You and me are written in the stars
I'll live my whole life through just giving thanks to you.
Chorus...
attempt at creative
My first attempt at being truly creative...would love critique!! Enjoy!!
Inspired to write but am bad with the codes
Need to express but it obviously shows
My heart is so swollen with feelings, emotions
Dare I say love
Heart on my sleeve-hell no I am more in control
With my heart in my outstretched hands-I am offering all that I am
Have and inspired to be
If its accepted I want nothing more than to let go
The future I see football games, a home, love with a flair
He will be my Heathcliff and I his Clair
To be strength, a rock, his beacon of light
To guide, to shelter when it storms or in the night
Nothing one-sided, a true partnership
Holding hands on this journey and quest we call life
Since that day the world has been brighter, clearer
Gazing out through new eyes I no longer feel jaded
The meaning of life is no longer evading
Hopeful, excited--ready to begin
This relationship-togetherness...its so many things
He looks in my eyes he's reading my soul
Intuitive, imaginative, compassionate and more
It would take days to explain the perfection he is
Awaiting the day when confirmations complete
Need nothing from him than to know I'm his mate
Life mission to please, encourage, desire
Be whatever he needs and accept what he offers
Clearing the fog of fairy tale love
I have found my angel-no longer to dream
Reality is sweeter when he spends it with me
As hard as it is and as hard as it will be
The prize in the end will be all he could need
The challenge is clear but the reward will be true
He's read my mind's heart so we'll see what he'll do....
Inspired to write but am bad with the codes
Need to express but it obviously shows
My heart is so swollen with feelings, emotions
Dare I say love
Heart on my sleeve-hell no I am more in control
With my heart in my outstretched hands-I am offering all that I am
Have and inspired to be
If its accepted I want nothing more than to let go
The future I see football games, a home, love with a flair
He will be my Heathcliff and I his Clair
To be strength, a rock, his beacon of light
To guide, to shelter when it storms or in the night
Nothing one-sided, a true partnership
Holding hands on this journey and quest we call life
Since that day the world has been brighter, clearer
Gazing out through new eyes I no longer feel jaded
The meaning of life is no longer evading
Hopeful, excited--ready to begin
This relationship-togetherness...its so many things
He looks in my eyes he's reading my soul
Intuitive, imaginative, compassionate and more
It would take days to explain the perfection he is
Awaiting the day when confirmations complete
Need nothing from him than to know I'm his mate
Life mission to please, encourage, desire
Be whatever he needs and accept what he offers
Clearing the fog of fairy tale love
I have found my angel-no longer to dream
Reality is sweeter when he spends it with me
As hard as it is and as hard as it will be
The prize in the end will be all he could need
The challenge is clear but the reward will be true
He's read my mind's heart so we'll see what he'll do....
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Halo
so the last post was just me wanting to share the lyrics to a song that i love right now.
i hear that song and i see his face. i hear that song and i hear his voice...amazingly enough- it doesn't scare me. I am what you would call afraid of relationships. Committment makes me nervous. I am somewhat jaded because of my past experiences. But thinking of him and being with him makes me hopeful and giddy. I have forgotten all that pain and i don't even think about it...my mind knows that i am putting myself out there to get hurt but my heart is calm and collected. My heart doesn't feel like i am taking a risk at all..."i swore i'd never fall again...but this don't even feel like falling"
Crazy how that works...
It talks of walls...man have i got some tall ones built up around me, my heart, my kids, my life...and without even second thoughts i have started to open the doors to the walls...he isn't even working really hard...it is just natural...it is just him.
I hate cliches...i really do...but at the risk of sounding like one...he is different. This feels different...and i think i may have found my match in this unexpected and random meeting...
So i am cracking the door to my heart to see if there is room for him inside there...it will be up to him if the door gets opened all the way and if he will be comfortable there...I guess at this point we will see...
I will keep you posted.
D.
i hear that song and i see his face. i hear that song and i hear his voice...amazingly enough- it doesn't scare me. I am what you would call afraid of relationships. Committment makes me nervous. I am somewhat jaded because of my past experiences. But thinking of him and being with him makes me hopeful and giddy. I have forgotten all that pain and i don't even think about it...my mind knows that i am putting myself out there to get hurt but my heart is calm and collected. My heart doesn't feel like i am taking a risk at all..."i swore i'd never fall again...but this don't even feel like falling"
Crazy how that works...
It talks of walls...man have i got some tall ones built up around me, my heart, my kids, my life...and without even second thoughts i have started to open the doors to the walls...he isn't even working really hard...it is just natural...it is just him.
I hate cliches...i really do...but at the risk of sounding like one...he is different. This feels different...and i think i may have found my match in this unexpected and random meeting...
So i am cracking the door to my heart to see if there is room for him inside there...it will be up to him if the door gets opened all the way and if he will be comfortable there...I guess at this point we will see...
I will keep you posted.
D.
Inspired
I am figuring out that in order for me to blog I have to be inspired. I prefer to talk of things of substance or relay events and happenings of my life. I know that several things inspire me. My children inspire me to be a better person, mother and woman. they inspire me to find the fun and silly in life and not to worry about if anyone is watching. Music seriously inspires me...good beats; profound, sweet, "deep" lyrics; smooth and raspy voices or deep and strong voices...i love music.
This particular blog is going to be the lyrics to a song that i am really feeling right now...if you haven't heard Beyonce's new album i seriously encourage you to check it out. at first their were only a couple songs that i liked...but if you listen to what the girl is trying to tell you...open your heart and you will feel it...
Halo
Remember those walls i built?
Well baby their tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make a sound
I found a way to let you in
But i never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I've found my angel now.
It's like i've been awakened
Every rule i had you're breaking
It's the risk that I'm taking
I aint never gonna shut you out
Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything i need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby i can feel your halo
I pray it won't fade away
Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
Think I am addicted to you light
I swore i'd never fall again
But this don't even feel like falling
Gravity can't forget to pull me back to the ground again
This particular blog is going to be the lyrics to a song that i am really feeling right now...if you haven't heard Beyonce's new album i seriously encourage you to check it out. at first their were only a couple songs that i liked...but if you listen to what the girl is trying to tell you...open your heart and you will feel it...
Halo
Remember those walls i built?
Well baby their tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make a sound
I found a way to let you in
But i never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I've found my angel now.
It's like i've been awakened
Every rule i had you're breaking
It's the risk that I'm taking
I aint never gonna shut you out
Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything i need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby i can feel your halo
I pray it won't fade away
Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
Think I am addicted to you light
I swore i'd never fall again
But this don't even feel like falling
Gravity can't forget to pull me back to the ground again
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
the first one
Well...yet another tool of technology i am trying my hand at...the blog. I have always enjoyed journeling and writing...typing if fun...so why not blog. This post won't be long...just want to say hi to everyone who may be bored enough to read this. But i promise it should be interesting on any given day! Keep your eyes peeled and i will talk soon...
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